Hard Lesson of the Day

I have to take better care of myself physically.  That is a tactile, right now kind of  thing I can do that is going to be a big part of getting better, and it should be a no brainer but in the rush to feel good for a moment it was lost on me last night....I'm paying for it today.

It was a pretty innocent idea.  I wanted to relax and I wanted to go out to eat.  I planned on a stop at my favorite oyster bar followed by a glass of wine and a cigar at the wine bar next to it...then I'd head home.

About 30 min into it a friend randomly showed up at the oyster bar, along with his cousin and wife, and the bar crawl was on.  I ended up staying out til about 1 in the morning and drinking way way too much.

I had to work this morning too.  I could barely get out of bed, and I felt like hell physically.  That aspect slowly(really slowly) subsided with water and food and rest and Advil.  Luckily I was able to lie down at the station and rest for a few hours.

What I was cognizant of even after the physical fuck yous  of a hangover left me was how blue I was today.  Really down, and also sort of randomly  guilty feeling-for what I don't know.  That's actually a pretty common thing for me.

I saw an opportunity for a good time....something that calls to me a little louder during a season of depression for obvious reasons. In my mind I guess I think that these opportunities are few...which of course if I just look back at reality I can see is absolute BS but when you're hurting and someone offers you an ice cream cone you take it.

But it was clearly not worth it and I have to do some adulting and commit to being healthy physically if I want to heal mentally.  And it's so easy and accessible.   I think simply making the commitment will be therapeutic to a degree as well.

This was a good lesson hard learned.

Welcome

I find myself once again in a deep depression.  I've been struggling with what I'm sure is PTSD for several months. Compounding it this week has been the worse mass shooting in American history occurring just 30 miles away in Orlando.

So I've caught the blues again...pretty severe this time.  I'm looking for a counselor, this time I want to try to find someone with a public safety background and PTSD expertise.

In the meantime, I recognize I need to

• Take care of myself physically. Stop the drinking. Get a good night's sleep-every night; regular exercise.
• Let go of negative thoughts
• Let go of feeling betrayed, victimized or otherwise oppressed.....even if I am. The stress is not worth it.
• Journal  
• Organize-get back into using the chore schedule.  
• Be with people.  Don't isolate...take advantage of opportunities to be with people who care about me.
• Give God a chance.....all I mean here is don't wash hands of God....that's it.  Nothing else right now.