I have to take better care of myself physically. That is a tactile, right now kind of thing I can do that is going to be a big part of getting better, and it should be a no brainer but in the rush to feel good for a moment it was lost on me last night....I'm paying for it today.
It was a pretty innocent idea. I wanted to relax and I wanted to go out to eat. I planned on a stop at my favorite oyster bar followed by a glass of wine and a cigar at the wine bar next to it...then I'd head home.
About 30 min into it a friend randomly showed up at the oyster bar, along with his cousin and wife, and the bar crawl was on. I ended up staying out til about 1 in the morning and drinking way way too much.
I had to work this morning too. I could barely get out of bed, and I felt like hell physically. That aspect slowly(really slowly) subsided with water and food and rest and Advil. Luckily I was able to lie down at the station and rest for a few hours.
What I was cognizant of even after the physical fuck yous of a hangover left me was how blue I was today. Really down, and also sort of randomly guilty feeling-for what I don't know. That's actually a pretty common thing for me.
I saw an opportunity for a good time....something that calls to me a little louder during a season of depression for obvious reasons. In my mind I guess I think that these opportunities are few...which of course if I just look back at reality I can see is absolute BS but when you're hurting and someone offers you an ice cream cone you take it.
But it was clearly not worth it and I have to do some adulting and commit to being healthy physically if I want to heal mentally. And it's so easy and accessible. I think simply making the commitment will be therapeutic to a degree as well.
This was a good lesson hard learned.
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